Those faint of heart... beware

Today I had to give Grandma an enema. This is something I'd never even imagined when I was considering taking care of and old lady. But she was having serious constipation issues. She was miserable and nothing else was helping. I called the Dr. having no idea what the recommendation would be. I was prepared to take her in, need be. I was not prepared for having to shove something up my Grandma's butt. In the end(pun intended) she feels much better. Although the drama-queen in me will tell people it was traumatic. Really, it wasn't that big of a deal. Certainly not pleasant for anyone involved. I hope to never have to do it again. However, if I had to, I don't think I'd die. I definitely won't put it off, that just makes the process more difficult.
In other news...I'm taking Gma for respite care this weekend. Many have recommended it and I have played the martyr. I realized that I was not only hurting myself but also Gma and my family. So, I signed her up and we're all looking forward to it. She will only be there for four days. I am relishing the idea of 4 good night of sleep. 4 days only having to shower myself and wipe my own behind. Seven months ago it wouldn't have even occured to me to appreciate these things. Oh, how times have changed. I have still only had one full nights sleep since Gma broke her collar bone in September. That's a long time to go without sleep, as any new mom will tell you.
Overall, Gma is doing well. The PSP is continuing to progress as expected, but it's slow. Most days are good. I find that the biggest determiner of a day is my own mood. She seems to sense my annoyance, tiredness, crabbiness and it affects how she functions. Ironically, when I'm already having a lousy day, or I'm really cranky, those are the days she does the worst. Not helpful. I'm trying to work on maintaining my mood for both our sakes.
Day care is working out great. They do a ton of activities and projects. She really looks forward to going. We have also joined the local YMCA. They have a small track that I can walk with her, using her walker. She enjoys the recumbant bike, too. The challenge is to not let her push herself too hard. In a few weeks, she'll be starting to attend the senior center to play BINGO. She's very excited about that. Either myself or the home healthcare aide will go with her, but I think she'll enjoy it.
We have had some really bad days. Days where she's rude or downright hurtful. Days I'm exhausted and would like nothing better than to ship her off. Still, I know that she wouldn't get the level of care I provide. I don't say that as a slam on nursing homes. There's no way that a busy nurse can compete with one on one care. Some would say I'm just too stubborn, but I really don't want to give up on this arrangement until I really can't care for her any longer.
Of course, the arguement it "Who is paying the price for my stubbornness?" The answer is, "Everyone". Our family life has changedm not all for the better. I have health problems I didn't have before. My husband has suffered from my exhaustion and frustration. He's the one that deals with my rants or crying fits. But at what point do you say it's not worth it anymore. I can't do this any longer. I don't know. The social worker says that I'm a natural "giver" and I'll never know. She says that I have to leave that decision to DH. So, it's now his job to tell me when it's too much. I don't relish that job, but I'm glad that someone has it.